How to Introduce Your Vanilla Partner to Kink

Vanilla is nice, but some prefer a more exotic flavour, complete with sprinkles and a sparkler. Once upon it was considered taboo, but kink is now a mainstay in many relationships. Be it bondage, spanking, threesomes, latex, or bathing in a tub of cold custard, it seems there’s kinky fun for everyone.

But what if you’re into kink and you suspect your partner is strictly vanilla? How do you share your deepest darkest desires if the most adventurous thing you’ve done together is have sex with the lights on? This is where good, clear communication comes in. It’s time to sit down with your other half for a frank chat about what makes you tick.

We’re not saying it’s easy, opening up about your sexual and kinky preferences can be challenging. After all, your vanilla partner could turn up their nose and run for the hills at the mention of pinwheels and paddles. But like most things in life, you won’t know until you speak up.

When and how should I tell my new partner I’m into kink?

If kink plays an important role in your life, it’s a good idea to disclose your naughty side relatively early on in a relationship. However, there’s no need to download your darkest fantasies during your first dinner date. Your companion might choke on their crab cakes if you kick off the convo by expressing love for orgasm denial.

When you’re both comfortable you can steer the topic onto sex and intimacy (unless they beat you to it). From here don’t be afraid to dip your toes in kink. There’s no perfect time for this, you’ll have to judge when to mention it, but keep the tone light e.g. “I love being tied up, is that something you’re into or might like to try?”

Alternatively, take a side-step toward the subject via a kinky book or movie, a reference to Fifty Shades, or the classic 9 and ½ Weeks could take you neatly into a more in-depth discussion on your particular kinky preferences. 

Working out your potential for sex and kink compatibility is a great way to suss out how well-matched you will be. On top of this, it’s great to start a relationship how you mean to go on, if you can be open and honest at the beginning, you’re on the right path and will able to share your feelings on all sorts of topics.

How do I tell an existing partner I’m into kink?

You might have missed the boat to express your kinky interests earlier on in your relationship, or maybe you’ve developed your taste for something different over time. Either way, it’s not too late to confide in your partner. Hopefully, you’ve built up a connection and are comfortable enough to talk with one another about your feelings and needs, both emotional and physical.

It’s fair to say that some people find it easier to talk to their partners about sexual play and kink than others. If that sounds like you don’t get your knickers in a twist at the start by overthinking and making assumptions such as “My partner is totally vanilla and will hate that idea,” or “There’s no way my other half will be into this, they will think I’m weird.” 

You can’t be one hundred percent sure how your partner will react – even if you’ve managed to convince yourself they are totally vanilla – you could be in for a surprise.

For all you know your other half could be harbouring racy thoughts and devilish desires, just like you. Perhaps they would like to share but aren’t sure how to tackle the subject. They could be sticking to the safety of Saturday night missionary because they think that’s what you want.

The truth is, you won’t know until you talk about it. So set the scene and open up the conversation. Start by finding somewhere private where you can talk. The bedroom seems the obvious choice, but sex and kink-related chats here could be too intense. Maybe opt for the lounge or dining room and open a bottle so you can savour a cheeky drink while you talk about kink. 

Alternatively, get out and about and do something you enjoy. Take a leisurely walk (hand-in-hand) and soak up the scenery as you casually slip into the topic of kink, or share a meal and bond over a plate of spaghetti. Finding time to connect can help cement your unity and can be a great starting point for meaningful discussions on intimacy, sex, and kink.

Otherwise, you could always take the approach we mentioned earlier – introduce something kinky and make comments. Suggest watching an erotic movie with BDSM scenes or purchase a naughty book and read a paragraph or two out to your partner. Get the convo going in the right direction and hopefully, you can pique your partner’s interest.

What if my partner doesn’t like the idea of kinky fun?

Your partner might be very excited by your ideas, but you should also prepare yourself for the fact they might not be overly enthusiastic. Thankfully, having a different view on sexual and kinky acts doesn’t necessarily mean the end of your union. Over time, an initial “I’m not sure about that,” could develop into a “Ok, let’s give that a try.”

That said, it’s essential you respect boundaries and never exert pressure on your partner to join you in any sexual or kink venture. You’ve opened up the door, and you’ve unfurled your kink welcome banner - if your partner wants to hop down the rabbit hole with you they will.

When you initially discuss your predilection for kink it should be more about testing the water than producing a long list of rude things you’d like to try or an outline of elaborate scenarios. You don’t want to scare the life out of your partner so start small. If bondage is your bag suggest trying out a pair of fluffy handcuffs rather than a Vac Bed, and if you a devoted spankee suggest a few taps with a furry paddle rather than an OTK bare-bottom caning.

If you discover that your partner is totally vanilla and not interested in finding out about your kink then you’re going to have to give your relationship some thought. You might be disappointed by their distaste for your likes, but it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. It could be a case of looking for alternative ways to accommodate your kinky needs – we’ll explore this a little later on.

The art of kinky compromise

Now you’ve got the initial embarrassment of raising the subject out of the way you can focus on the bigger kinky picture. Your partner may have lots of questions for you, such as “Have you done this before?” So be prepared to give some answers. They may be open to your ideas but have a different take on play. For instance, you might like the idea of being slapped or choked as part of BDSM play but your partner could feel this is too heavy-handed.

Perhaps you can discuss other methods of Domination and submission that would sit well with both of you e.g. being gagged or made to kneel. We’ve already discussed the importance of clear communication; remember kinky fun should be more about exploration and discovery than a list of rude acts you would like to try out.

Different ways to accommodate kink

If you and your partner discover you don’t share the same sort of kinks but still want to be together you might decide the best way forward is to find different ways to accommodate your kink. This could involve modifying your tastes so you can try something milder together and see how that pans out.

Alternatively, you could sate your kinky appetite with erotic fiction, websites, and movies. Or maybe you prefer the idea of flying solo, after all, you don’t need a partner to carry out every kinky act. You can explore all sorts from the sweet agony of nipple clamps to the comforting discomfort of wearing a butt plug. There’s also self-tying, wax play, self-chastity, and edging – which involves bringing yourself to the edge of climax and then stopping.

Of course, there is another option, but it’s one we advise you not to enter into lightly, and that’s opening up your marriage.

However, it’s important to remember that playing with others can be fun but getting together with other play partners because your needs are not being met is a risky move. If you don’t tell your partner about your plans with others, you could end up ruining your current relationship. If you do tell your partner, be prepared for a lukewarm response as they might not be keen on the idea.  

My partner wants to play – Yay!

So, let’s err on the positive side of life, let’s imagine you’ve told your partner about your kink or kinks and they are not only keen but would like to find out more and potentially play. This is great news, but before you get overly excited take a moment to think about the next steps. When you’re both ready you can fill your partner in on what you’re into and find out more about their tastes too.

If you’re planning to enjoy your chosen kink together e.g. spanking you’ll need to negotiate the scene up front. This means discussing your expectations of the scene and agreeing on consent.  You’ll also need to talk through barriers and identify limits. You’ll need a safe word e.g. red for stop, amber for slow down, and a safe signal too just in case e.g. click of the fingers or wave of the hand. If your partner wants to do a little research up front that’s great, you can sit with them if needed and answer any questions

Your first session (whatever it is) should be understated, this is the perfect chance to gently introduce your other half to your kink. Make sure you both have fun and frequently check in with your other half to make sure they are enjoying it too. Aftercare is important, so spend some time together afterward and when you’re ready have a chat about how things went.

Just like first-time sex, first-time kink might not be perfect, but it’s a start and you can build on your experience. There’s a whole world of kink out there, and before you know it your vanilla partner might be sharing your exotic flavours and asking for sprinkles and a sparkler of their own.