If you venture into the world of BDSM (Bondage, Domination/Discipline, Submission/Sadism, and Masochism), you’ll come across a wide range of kinky folk. Some like to dress in latex and smack bare bottoms with a flogger, and others enjoy being tied to a four-poster bed with silk scarves. Some naughty kinksters get a kick out of sitting in a bath of custard – as the old saying goes, different strokes for different folks.
Whilst casually exploring the BDSM scene is fine, some people prefer to define their position by adopting a particular role. BDSM roles are typically formed with power exchange in mind - with one person taking charge and the other doing as they are told. The Dominant (Dom for male identifying and Domme for female identifying) partner likes to take charge and issue commands, whereas the submissive partner prefers to submit and follow orders. If you find you enjoy being both Dominant and submissive, you are classed as a switch.
While Dominant, submissive, and switch are common labels on the scene, you will come across others. You might hear people referring to Dominant partners as Tops, Owners, Masters, or Handlers, while a submissive partner might be referred to as bottom, property, slave, or pet. Try not to get too tied up in knots by all the different labels. For now, let’s focus on our terrific trio: Dominant, submissive, and switch.
Exploring power exchange and power dynamics
Some engage in power exchange “just in the bedroom,” where a Dominant takes the lead during kinky sex or a BDSM scenario. For others, power exchange is a lifestyle choice, and they share a permanent Dominant/submissive (D/s) dynamic with their partner. We call this Total Power Exchange (TPE), and it’s not for BDSM newbies. A Total Power Exchange 24/7 relationship involves the Dominant taking full control of the submissive, controlling aspects of their life such as their appearance, career development, social life, and finances. This, understandably, may sound too hardcore for many! That’s why it’s so important to discuss your D/s ideas up front. There should never be any pressure to enter into any form of D/s dynamic.
It doesn’t matter if you want to engage in D/s for a bit of extra Friday night fun or if you’re interested in forming a full-time D/s dynamic; open communication should be your first port of call.
Power exchange isn’t just about giving and taking power; a successful D/s scene or relationship is built on trust, respect, and communication.
It’s also essential that you adopt a Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC) approach at all times. This can be achieved by gaining consent and negotiating before you enter into any form of kinky fun.
This is the time to outline expectations, set boundaries, and identify safe words/signals. Everyone needs to consent and demonstrate they are comfortable with the situation before you get going.
Always check in during play to ensure your partner is ok, and remember, aftercare is important too. Now we’ve covered the all-important basics, let’s take a closer look at what it means to be a Dominant, a submissive, and a switch.
The Dominant
A Dominant is also more casually known as a Dom (male identifying) or a Domme (female identifying). A Dom typically creates structure, makes decisions, and takes the lead.
Dominants can guide a submissive by issuing instructions, providing training, delivering discipline, and offering rewards. They tend to be confident, poised, and calm, and they must be comfortable with taking responsibility.
As a Dom, you will guide the scene and your submissive, creating a space where you both feel comfortable enough to explore your desires. You must be alert and responsive, safeguarding the setting, play, and well-being of your partner. In exchange, you can look forward to receiving adoration and the attention of an obedient submissive. A good Dom understands it’s not all about being bossy and receiving pleasure – it’s also about meeting the emotional and physical needs of your sub.
If you’re new to domination, you might find it challenging to control and lead. The scene may call for the use of harsh language or impact play, and let’s face it, in the “normal” or “vanilla” world, both are considered inappropriate. But that’s where a BDSM scene or D/s lifestyle differs from vanilla. Providing you have both consented, you can call your partner derisive names or spank their ass, and the chances are they will thank you for it!
The Submissive
As a submissive, you’re on the receiving end. You will obey your Dominant partner and fulfil their wishes, needs, and desires. This could be via engaging in bondage or impact, through acts of service, e.g., cleaning, pouring drinks, etc, or even spending a few hours naked and locked in a cage. Sexual submission might be part of your dynamic too, and this could involve being tied up and teased or delivering a deep throat blow job on demand.
If you look up the word “submissive,” you might find the words meek and weak, but it takes a strong person to adopt a submissive stance and commit to pleasing their Dominant. You can derive great satisfaction from fulfilling the physical and emotional needs of your partner, and despite relinquishing control, the submissive maintains a very special power of their own.
Remember, we’re talking about consensual BDSM scenarios and D/s lifestyle dynamics. As a submissive, you participate in negotiations, voice your expectations, and set boundaries. You also designated safe words and signals so you can slow down or stop the action at any time.
The switch
If you discover you like to dominate, but also enjoy submitting, there’s a good chance you’re a switch. A switch likes the idea of alternating between being Dom and sub. This could depend on the scenario or who they are interacting with. A switch might find themselves taking a position of power with one playmate or partner, and preferring to be bossed around by another.
Ill-informed people might call out a switch for being “confused,” but thankfully, in the world of kink, exploration is all part of the game. You might start off thinking you’re a total Dominant, only interested in commanding submissives to kneel and do your bidding. Over time, you might decide that you’re interested in submitting too, and why shouldn’t you give that a whirl?
Switching brings variety, as you get to be both Dom and sub. Switching also lends itself well to learning, growing, and gaining experience. If you switch, you get to see and feel what it’s like to give and take, and understand the intricacies of commanding and obeying.
D/s activities, scenarios, and roleplay ideas
Whether you're Dominant, submissive, switch, or merely exploring, there are plenty of BDSM activities and scenarios to engage in. Here are a few ideas to get your juices flowing.
Restraint
Being tied up leaves a submissive feeling helpless and vulnerable, allowing the Dominant to take advantage of the situation and have their wicked way. You can use restraints such as leather cuffs, silk ties, or rope to secure limbs and then tease your submissive until they beg for mercy. If you’re looking for a D/s roleplay incorporating restraint, how about an Abductor/captive scenario? Hood and restrain your captive before embarking on a fierce interrogation.
Impact
If you’re hitting your partner in a consensual BDSM scenario, you’re engaging in impact play. This could be a hand spanking, a spanking with an implement such as a paddle or flogger, a slap, or even punches and kicks (if that’s your particular bag). You can incorporate D/s roleplay by indulging in a Teacher/student scenario, where the naughty student is made to bend over for six of the best as punishment.
Edging and denial
Teasing and pleasing – what a fabulous way to get it on, D/s style. The Dominant partner takes the lead by using hands, fingers, lips, tongue, genitals, and sex toys to arouse their submissive partner. The idea is to excite the submissive until they are groaning with pleasure, and then pause for a moment or two to prevent orgasm. This should drive the submissive crazy with lust! Add a different slant to edging by bringing in a medical D/s slant. Roleplay a Doctor/patient, and insist on relieving your patient’s tension, but make sure the “procedure” is slow and meticulous.
Humiliation & degradation
Degrading words and actions can enhance a submissive mindset, and some submissives enjoy being shamed and humiliated by their Dominant. This can be achieved in several ways, e.g., making the sub kneel in the corner, forcing them to wear clothing they are not comfortable in, name-calling, hair-pulling, instructing the sub to masturbate or carry out sexual acts, etc. Bring in D/s roleplay with a Master/servant scenario. The Master barks orders and forces the servant to fetch and carry, and perhaps they can act as a footstool too for Sir or Madam’s tired feet?
Am I Dominant, submissive, or a switch?
You don’t have to choose a label. Whilst some kinky folk take comfort from defining their role within the scene, others prefer a more fluid approach. If you choose to be a Dominant, submissive, or switch, you don’t have to stick with that role for eternity. It’s fine to explore and try out different ways to interact and play. Above all else, you should enjoy what you’re doing and have fun, and remember - always adopt the SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual) approach for successful kinky play.